I’ve been feeling a disconnect with school lately. No desire to go. No desire to write essays or read short stories that bother me. To Room Nineteen by Doris Lessing made me want the main character to get it over with faster and I don’t like that sort of ruthless attitude. Fake character but oh-so-annoying.

“Punishment” by Seamus Heaney is gorgeous.

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A title going around on my message board. It’s true, medication seems to often sap the creative drive of a writer and, likely, other artists. Suddenly it’s not so easy to put together words, form images that will carry a piece, find new ways of phrasing things. Out trot the tired cliches from past writing. If I usually wrote on paper there would be wads of paper all over my desk. This is all thanks to medication that rewires our brains into feeling human. Perhaps a lesser human than previously, one that stumbles when it comes to finding their muse. I don’t particularly think that mental illness usually makes one brilliant or creative but losing that part that makes you able to write several different works a month makes it almost worth it to throw those pills away and regain whatever it was that made words come so easily.

I have managed to begin a memoir of sorts. I’m not sure if I will ever complete it though I’ve been urged to by family. It just seems like masturbation in some ways but in others it’s interesting looking back and seeing the journey between fucked up and ‘fine’. ‘Fine’ is being able to look at yourself and find that you care if tomorrow happens.

Not much to report in my life. School and yet more school. I whittled down to two classes because I was told I had no need for the other. It seems the list may shrink down to one if I write a letter to get my Advanced Placement grade. Then, after this semester, two classes until graduation. I don’t know whether to be excited or dreading that final detachment from the umbilical cord. I opt for an uneasy medium, planning what may or may not happen.

I’ve been feeling a bit lonely. It’s an annoying feeling. I was added on Facebook by some old high school friends and I realized I hadn’t seen some of these people in years. I;ve been in stasis for more years than I can count.

I’ve been having fun capitalizing old fanfiction and adding it to fanfiction.net. I’ve gotten some comments and favorites and that really made my day. I usually only share my written work on Safe Haven and a few of my least favorite pieces on my writing website.

Finally, I’m done watching movies for my Fiction and Film class. It’s been fun but coming out of class at 10 at night was annoying. I turned in my final paper on Thursday and I’m going to turn in my response journal on Tuesday and will take the final exam. Then I’m done with school for a whole six days. I don’t think I’m a better critic than I used to be (I’ve always been a poor critic) but I liked quite a few of the movies we watched.

If you remember that person I took interest in over the summer. I realized he really cares for this other woman and I’m really happy for him. I feel only friendship for him and it’s freeing. I was really happy and despairing for a while at the same time but now I can breathe.

A poem I wrote the day before Christmas.

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a happy new year to everyone. this year has been a good one to me, at least the second half was. the first three/four months involved a lot of mental health issues but, now, with the medication i’m doing better than i have since i was very young. i’m only twenty-four but i was dealing with a lot of psychological issues since my early teens.

i was going to go to a new years celebration of sorts but the plans fell through because it was too expensive.

i’m starting school again on wednesday. forty hours compressed into ten days, should be all right. lots of books for the class, though. fiction and film involves some movie watching, at least. then school again at the end of january for the start of spring semester. i have all english classes so should be all right.

i’m currently doing a lot of updates/bugfixes/changes for phpfan. version 3.3.0 should be out when i finish up. some ajax added, new templates, new features. not completely drastic but it has a new look, too.

here’s some of the digital art i’ve done in the past few months.

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i’ve apparently banged up the side of my car really good. my beautiful little red car. :/ i think it was when i tried to park in that little space between the pole and another car at school. i can’t afford to fix it so it shall stay dented.

i’ve been studying for classes and writing essays weeks before they are due. i want to stay ahead instead of resorting to last minute panic and badly written work. my women and popular culture class is pretty interesting, the week before we were covering film noir and this week lesbian representation in film.

heroes owns my soul. i’ve resorted to making fanart and subscribing to lots of communities for my fanfic fix. i only started watching this season and lots of people are disappointed with this season but i’m still enjoying it. i can’t really get into much of the slash beyond peter/nathan and peter/adam, this is one of my mainly het fandoms, i guess.

i keep seeing the trailers for beowulf and wondering why the hell they’re playing up angelia jolie so much. she’s playing the mother monster, right? that wasn’t the biggest part of the poem. i’ll admit i haven’t read beowulf in about a year and a half so i could be fuzzy on characters but angelina jolie just annoys me. i liked her in girl, interrupted but just about everything else grates on my nerves.

i’ve been doing all right. sort of anti-social right now but i’m trying to make an effort to get out of the house. everything is fine, no delusions, no paranoia, no real depression. i have gotten back into an old self-destructive habit but i’m working on it. i don’t see a therapist anymore but i’m considering going in for a session or two to work on that setback.

i’ve been staying ahead on the reading and essay-writing for school work. i’ve never been this productive but no matter how much i do i feel i’m going to mess up and fail. it’s an annoying feeling.

my parent’s divorce is almost final. my father has come a long way since they first decided. back then he was so angry and ‘crazy’. now he’s calm and we go out about once a week. it’s good to be able to spend time with my father without worrying that he’s going to blow up at me or that he’s going to start talking about the issues he was having with my mother. he still doesn’t take his medication but he seems to be managing his depression somehow.

i’ve been reading fitzwilliam darcy, gentleman. i was surprised to learn it began as fanfiction on the internet. it’s rare but i guess some writers do get discovered through fanfiction. maybe the difference is that her source was in public domain and is beautifully written. yes, it’s fanfiction but it feels true to the original story. the second book of the series has little to do with the romance aspect but it was interesting. nothing at all like mr. darcy takes a wife which was just badly written pride&prejudice smut. it was entertaining but it was still nothing more than sex scenes with a tiny bit of plot about the war with napolean. ah well, anything with darcy and elizabeth being romantic catches my fancy.

i’m going back to school today and i’m a bit intimidated by the fact. i was out of school for about five or so months due to the medical leave of absence. i’m going to be applying for a new school for the spring semester. i love creative writing, i really do. i just know i won’t really be able to do much with it. i need to move on and finally try for a career i can do.

there’s been a heat wave the past several days. thank god for air conditioning. the news says it’s going to be cooling down over the next few days. i went to the mall and it was like it was christmas, there were so many people.

good news. i haven’t self-injured in about five months. that’s just about the longest i’ve gone without. i rarely think about it and i’ve only once seriously considered self-injuring in that timeframe. i worry that the medication might stop working but, so far, it’s been great. i have felt like i don’t want to live anymore but i don’t take it seriously. that was more out of frustration with my life than anything.

i’m reading the things they carried by tim o’brien. i’m enjoying it so far. it feels more than just a collection of short stories on the vietnam war and i was surprised to find that there is humor. the characters are memorable in that they are all flawed and that they are more than just stereotypes. i’ve never really read war-based fiction and i’m glad that i read this book first.

i’ve been online more in the past three days than i was over the past month. just, i completely lost interest in the internet. i was tired of spending my whole day online. the release of the last harry potter book changed that. i love hearing what people think of the book and seeing fanfiction based on the new canon pop up. though i do have to say i’m not a fan of AS/S (Albus Severus/Scorpius) but the name always gives me a good giggle.

i haven’t been writing much because most of my writing takes place before the computer and, as i said, wasn’t on the computer much. only wrote two poems in the past month or so. not even my best work because i haven’t been practicing.

i signed up for fall semester of school so i’m officially going back at the end of august. i’m both looking forward to it and dreading it. i’m dreading the group project that is guaranteed to be required. at least i’m not going out of my mind the way i was last semester. no more voices, no more paranoia. i have been wishing i was dead but i’m far from suicidal. just dissatisfied with my life and wishing it was over. i hope i’m over it by the time school begins.

just smoking hookah, complaining, going to anime expo, devising every possible reason to get out of the house.

it’s so damn boring. i feel restless all the time. i used to be content to stay at home but now i’m wishing for, well, a life. it’s nice being able to go out with my friend and his friends every once in a while. the rest of the time i feel very edgy. well, except when i’m out of the house and on the move. it’s very frustrating. i hardly ever want to be at home anymore. not even to be on the internet.

i finally read confessions of an ugly stepsister and really enjoyed it. entertaining fanfiction on an already decent story? that’s right up my alley. it wasn’t quite as bloody as the original cinderella but, eh, that’s all right. i really liked that they didn’t make the girl representing cinderella perfect, made it more believable. much less annoying. i like fairy tales and had a big book of them in their original forms as a girl. it did get annoying with the perfect princes and princesses at times.

i’ve been smoking a hookah with my brother. it’s pretty relaxing though i worry a bit about lung cancer. not that i smoke it daily. we’ve tried coffee flavor and strawberry flavor.

ok. today i actually got out of the house and did something! this no-school-right-now is killing me. i went to yet another roger waters concert. i think this will be the last one i go to. not because it’s not pleasant but because it was basically the same thing as the last one. lovely, lovely pink floyd music. the flying pig was yet again amusing. i really needed to be on drugs to see it because of the special effects but enjoyed myself anyway.

i went to las vegas for a funeral. it was rather sad because it was for a baby. sort of creepy the way the kids kept poking at the body and trying to open its eyes. i felt bad for my cousin (the mother) but there was not much to be said. the odds were stacked against this baby from the start.

i was reading wicked, which was actually rather enjoyable. it really wasn’t so black and white as the wizard of oz books made it out to be. not that I really remember them but there was not so much depth of character.

i might have to move from my home. the home i’ve lived in since the age of eleven. a childish part of me wants to throw a tantrum and say i don’t want to move but, eh, it’s life. i don’t have the money to pay for the house payment and neither does my mother. it might go either way. it was definite yesterday but not so definite today.

i think i’m moving towards getting over my entanglement with could-be-love. it was a horrid few weeks with tears, unhappiness, and extreme joy. sometimes all at the same time. i just couldn’t handle feeling that way any longer, especially since it was all one-sided.

a poem i wrote recently.

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